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Friday, February 22, 2008

Critical Repairs, In Many Ways

They say that the "third time's the charm." I hope so. This is hard drive number three that I have had to utilize in my notebook computer. Now I can understand if the computer was old and abused, or even infected with some dastardly virus of some sort; but I've only had this computer for a few years at the most. After losing my first hard drive and everything on it, I have become much more studious about back-ups, so when things started going haywire I was already well on my way to being prepared for the worst.

This computer has been, for lack of a better term, a piece of junk. Yes, there have been far more good days with it than bad, but those bad days really taxed patience. Aside from the keyboard, nearly everything has been replaced: the screen, the CD/DVD drive, and of course, a twice-replaced hard drive. But now I have a brand-spanking new, not-refurbished-or-otherwise-substandard, 120 GB (upgraded from 80 GB) hard disk on which I have spent at least 15 hours over the last two days trying to recreate this (for all intents and purposes) new computer in the image of the old, installing and downloading and uploading and overloading and any other form of loading one can do. Who knows how much longer it will be? But at least I have all my essentials returned to me.

A friend has said to me, on this and other occasions, "You've had nothing but trouble with that computer." But, truth be told, as I sit here thinking about all the times the computer let me down, about all the times and all the things done to fix said problems, as I think about the two-week ordeal in getting the part in, which should have been two days, and as I think about the $180 used to pay for all of this work (which I didn't really have to spare this week, but that's a different story), I can honestly say I'm not that upset at all. The rebirth of this computer has allowed me to see something much more personal, something that has been taking place over the last several weeks in my own life.

After a very long time, I finally came to a sobering conclusion about my own life that I had to confront in order to move forward. In a sermon titled The Choice Between Two, I addressed something that I had been guilty of without fully realizing it: I had for far too long tried to serve two masters. (NOTE: This message has not been put on the Internet for podcasting because of the computer issues over the last month, but I hope to perhaps put "the best of" sermons online over the next week or so, in case you wish to listen – if so, visit http://feeds.feedburner.com/westwoodonline or visit the iTunes store and search for Westwood Church of God podcast.)

As a pastor, it was very difficult to admit that I had drifted away from everything I held dear to me, without even realizing what kind of slippery slope I was on at the time. Intellectually I knew, but denial is a powerful force. After hitting rock bottom in almost every area of my life, gripped with overwhelming depression and despair, I realized there was only one option. As I said in my sermon (and explained in further detail), I had to apologize to my wife for failing her has a husband; I apologized to my kids for failing them as a father; I apologized to my church for failing them as a pastor; and I apologized to the Lord for failing Him as a servant. We all have faults, we all make mistakes, we're all human. But whether I mentioned it at the time or not, I had forgotten to apologize to myself, because I had let myself down as well.

It's hard to be everything to everyone. In fact, it's impossible. What is equally impossible is being everything to yourself. Living with the memories of failures and defeats, or placing too much emphasis on one's own importance, can be a difficult thing to live with. When I had gotten so low that I had to re-evaluate my life and once again look to the Lord as my only refuge and rescue, I finally grasped what I had preached and taught for so long: Jesus MUST always be first and everything, and we can only survive if we rely totally upon Him. This total surrender is often the most difficult things to understand and embrace, but it's vital.

So with all that happening right around the time of this whole computer mess, I have been able to look at things in a much different light. This computer, earlier described as "a piece of junk," is a perfect illustration of my own life. When I signed on with the Lord I knew what He expected of me, but little by little things kept breaking and going wrong: my heart, my mind, my habits and personality. And sometimes the same part would continually fail. I would go to God and ask for some "heavenly tech support," and He would walk me through a fix or replace the defective part, and things would go well for a while. Then something else would bring me down until, finally, I was really beyond effective use.

I went to the Lord and asked Him what I needed, knowing full well that it was a complete overhaul. Just like the last couple of weeks, the entire process was difficult and inconvenient and costly. And just like the last couple of days, getting everything back up and running and fixed better than before, it's slow and sometimes frustrating. I have had this computer fixed time and again, and there were moments I just wanted to throw it away and be done with it. But when I think about how the Lord has been so patient with me and has fixed me time and time again, not throwing me out like He would have every right to do, I can't help but feel peace and joy, and also feel a little bit grateful that this computer has shown me so much about my own life.

And just like this computer, unless you stay connected to the Power Source, pretty soon you won't work at all. Keep that in mind, and remember: JESUS KNOWS HOW TO FIX IT!!!

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Thursday, February 21, 2008

I HAVE RETURNED!!! SORT OF

I just wanted to let you know that, after a two week fiasco, I have my computer back from the shop with a shiny new hard drive.  I have spent the last 9.5 hours loading all the software and back-up files onto the new drive, but hope to create a new entry in a day or so, then back to the original schedule.  Perhaps I'll even tell you about all this computer mess!

At any rate, it's good to be back, and I hope to see you soon.  Hope you haven't forgot about Soulscape!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

A Conspicuous Absenc

Some of you may have noticed that I have not posted in a couple of weeks.  I just wanted you to know that I have not forgotten Soulscape.  I have had to deal with several issues, including physical and spiritual issues, and haven't had the opportunity.  Also, my computer is in the process of dying and will possibly require a new hard drive (the third in this particular computer).  

I hope to get the computer back in a week or so, at which time I will be better able to compose som more entries.  So don't forget me, and I'll not forget you!  See you soon.